an ode to 2025
My... my... my! What a year this one has been!
I have a very unique tradition with myself: before any big changes or the arrival of a new era (and year), I must sit down to write about my thoughts, feelings, and anything in between. In my OCD riddled brain, it makes the most sense to encapsulate everything in one thing and let it go, like releasing a note in a bottle out into the sea. You can't delete what's been said, nor can you go back in time to reverse your actions, for better or worse.
This year has been the year when I stopped running, and finally stopped. It was a forced stop: I fell off the horse in the race I had been competing with myself, and no one told me what to do when your horse keeps running, but you can't get up. Needless to say, I crashed and ... fell into the pit of despair and doom while the audience gasped, but couldn't look away from the tangled state I was in, while my horse continued on the track, fast, with no jockey to lead it towards a never-ending finish line.
I spent a good chunk of this year being angry (and I have the articles to prove it), but in the midst of all that anger, anxiety, desperation, and fear... There were so many positives. I grew so much as a person, using the free time on my hands to learn how to appreciate the present, basking in the fruits of my accomplishments so far, but most importantly, I finally let go of the races I was competing in. Truth is, I was in many ways chasing my own tail in these races, because there was no one else participating, just the shadow of myself on that horse, catching up to me.
Once I realized that in future races the only thing I would have for certain was that shadow next to me, I changed my point of view. I was no longer a jockey with a horse that didn't stop; I was now a two-person team, counting on that shadow to have my back no matter how tight the races got, trusting that I myself am enough to face whatever challenges lie ahead.
Besides finding my footing back on the field, this year also brought me the immense joy of falling in love with another, of having another teammate, a partner to have my back when the self isn't enough. It has been such a weird but gratifying experience to fall in love, because in many ways, it brought me back to myself. It got me back to that reckless jockey with the hunger to win; this time, though, I was no longer blinded by the chase; I could now go down the path I had traced for myself many races ago, before the race track was built. For that, and for many other things, I am immensely grateful.
Another thing that helped me get back on track was the unwavering support from my friends, my new mentors, my family, but most importantly, the renewed faith I had in myself to keep pushing. I switched horses, tracks, teams, gear, and anything else I could replace to keep going. I had come too far not to get back to the races again. This patch of the year was rough, and for many months, I couldn't see myself back on that field. I knew that I wasn't the racer I once was, and in many ways, I resented myself for it. I truly believed that chasing my own tail mindlessly until I reached the finish line would be enough; until it wasn't.
This year left me alone in the dust, but it also gave me the strength to get back up, and most importantly, back out there on the track again. The way I approach races now is quite different, and I often find myself enjoying the process of preparing for the race rather than its outcome. I am beyond grateful to have connected with so many people this year. I wouldn't be here without establishing communities along the way, from one racetrack to another.
Although I have no expectations for this new year, I hope that the plates and glasses of the people at my table stay full, and that we all get what we want, trusting that our decisions have led us to the right track, the only track we know, which is the present. I hope we enjoy every minute of this new era. And as for myself, I find peace in knowing that although this year wasn't what I envisioned, it was one full of accomplishments, growth, experiences, and so much love.